


What We've Lost

by twinkhoratio



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: I am so sorry, M/M, This is going to be sad, also hello AO3 this is my first ever fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 17:52:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14360559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twinkhoratio/pseuds/twinkhoratio
Summary: After they return home, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin meet in the Green Dragon, and try to make sense of their experiences.





	What We've Lost

There were dozens of deaths along the road. Deaths witnessed, and deaths felt, deaths heard about weeks or months after they had occurred. Boromir’s, of course, stood out strongest in their memory. Haldir’s absence still left an ache, as did Gandalf’s strange death-then-rebirth, for Gandalf the White never laughed like Gandalf the Grey. Samwise couldn’t count how many orcs they had cut through on their path to Mordor. Hundreds, maybe even thousands. Sometimes, when they spoke of their journey beyond Amon Hen, Sam could see that despite everything, Frodo missed the wretch Sméagol. Sam tried not to begrudge him that. 

Then there were the quieter deaths, the ones that happened within rather than without. The feeling in the gut that something inside them had shifted irrevocably. Fragments of Samwise Gamgee, of Meriadoc Brandybuck, of Peregrin Took, and of Frodo Baggins lay buried all along that road to the east. 

“I felt it when Gandalf fell,” said Merry, a bit drunk. They sat in a corner of the Green Dragon, and it had been a year since any of them had left the Shire. They often fell into this sort of conversation at the Dragon because, if they ever fell quiet, at least the silence wouldn’t swallow them whole. 

“It was like the whole world just vanished under my feet,” Merry continued. “I mean, I knew the journey would be dangerous, but I didn’t really know it, you understand? Not until then.” 

The other three hobbits nodded. The Mines of Moria had taken something from them all.

“Then I felt it again when I found out that Théoden was dead. I woke up after the battle, and I thought we’d won, and that everything would be okay. Then someone told me that Théoden had died, and Eowyn was dying, and we were going to have to fight again. After that I realized, even if we somehow managed to defeat Sauron, nothing was ever going to be the same again. Nothing was ever going to just be ‘okay’. And I was right. It isn’t.”

Merry cleared his throat and tossed back the rest of his ale.

“When I left Edoras,” said Pippin, staring into his mug. “That’s when I felt it. That I’d never be the same, I mean. And then again, when I found Merry on Pelenor and thought he was dead.” 

Merry touched his shoulder, just for a moment. 

“But I guess it was really when Boromir died, wasn’t it? I was too scared at the time to realize it had happened. But after we saw him die, the whole world looked different. Even when we were safe again. I think that’s when I lost…I don’t know. Something important changed.”

“You’re right, Pippin,” said Merry. Pippin offered him a weak smile in return. 

Sam took a sip of his ale and stayed quiet. There was no way he could say that the best part of his heart had died when Frodo had abandoned him on the steps of Cirith Ungol. Not when Frodo was sitting right next to him with that hollow look in his eye. 

The others didn’t ask him to speak. They knew better than most that some hurts heal better in the dark. 

Then, to the surprise of them all, Frodo spoke.

“I used to feel the same as you, Merry,” he said, “But I don’t anymore.”

The other three hobbits waited to see if he would continue. Frodo, whose wounds ran deeper than any of theirs, rarely said anything during these late-night talks. He was always ready to offer a sympathetic smile to Merry and Pippin, always willing to quietly take Sam’s hand under the table, but kept his own memories tucked safely away under his vest. Tonight, however, he spoke again.

“At first, I thought that everything changed when Gandalf fell, but that wasn’t right. Then, I thought that maybe it was when I was stabbed by the Nazgul. Maybe that was what changed me. But that wasn’t right either. I was already changed by then.”

Frodo sighed. Unlike Merry and Pippin, he wasn’t afraid to meet their eyes when he spoke.

“I think some part of me died the moment I picked up the Ring all those years ago, right there in my own front hall. As soon as I touched it, my fate was sealed, and it took something from me. It took it slowly, but it took it all the same.” 

Frodo caught Sam’s eye and smiled, a little apologetically, and Sam knew he would lose him forever.


End file.
